elcome, one and all, to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Through these magnificent portals have passed many of the illustrious names you will learn and study, whatever branch of mystical endeavour you may chose to specialise in. The massed ranks of British wizardry have called Hogwarts home for a millennium, and whether subtle Sytherin, honest Hufflepuff, recondite Ravenclaw or gallant Griffindor, somewhere waiting in these corridors and chambers is the spark to light your way into the future, a future forged largely through your own efforts.
Here you will behold and partake in the miraculous, and when your time with us is done, you will without doubt have left your mark upon this place, and it on you. So enter and be welcome, your new home awaits.
Okay, now that the spiel is over, let's get down to the nitty-gritty. First off, any questions? Yes, at the back there. Oh, that's always the first one to get out of the way. Right, so, Ladies, it's on the first floor, Gents, you are way up there on the Sixth. Good to deal with that first, I think. So, any slightly less urgent inquiries? Yes, the young lady with the overwhelming owl. Oh, probably the closest point to here would be the Transfiguration Courtyard. He can stretch his wings a bit, and hopefully not go too far. She, sorry. It's up that corridor, just past the big double doors. No, not through the doors, that's the Transfiguration Classroom. So if you keep going, well, basically 'till you hit sunlight. OK, next?
I'm sorry, could you repeat that? It's just, the pet sounds, you know? Oh. It's been confiscated, has it? Well, you could try talking to the Caretaker. His office is off down that corridor there, on the left as we face it now. And if he's not inclined to listen, you could carry on to the Staffroom, and perhaps ask your Head of House to speak on your behalf.
Why are you lot back so soon? Oh, I do apologise! Yes, the Staircase, of course. I forgot to warn you that it moves, didn't I? No, no, it's not attacking you. And you didn't do anything wrong, either. It's just designed that way. Well, it's not so bad for the girls, only one floor, but, boys, you just have to keep in mind that you're headed to the Sixth Floor, and count as you go.
Right, where were we? Oh, yes. So, next we probably have the Viaduct, Viaduct Courtyard, and the Quad, which link the different sides of the castle on this level with the surrounding grounds. Quite frankly, you'll have to work a lot of that out for yourselves - a long explanation now would mean nothing to anyone, except the swots who've already memorised the plan of the whole castle and grounds. What else? Hmm, well, there's obviously the Chamber of Reception, where we're standing now, and the Great Hall behind us where, don't worry, you'll get fed soon enough. Once you do pull your faces out of your plates, you should look around there. There are loads of minor wonders to see in that room.
Anything more? Well, there are no end of nooks, crannies and disused rooms, but I think we've covered all the basics, so, off you go!